Ahhh a new blog, so much more "me". I had a great craft idea I figured I could blog about and then I decided before that I needed a change of scenery on my blog so here it is my new blog and my first new post!

With it starting to get colder out now and Miles on modified quarantine I have to think of some creative ways to keep him entertain/occupied/and work on his sensory issues.

I would love a sensory/light table but atm we cant put out the 300+ bucks on one, so the other day I got creative and made my own little Sensory Box.

Step 1 you take any cardboard box you have lying around at the house and carve different shapes into both sides.



Then I found some white and green tissue paper (can use any) and ripped it up.


After that I wrote what the shapes were below them and shoved the paper in the box. I put it in front of Miles, who let me tell you was so excited while I was putting it together he could hardly wait to attack it lol. I would point to a shape and say "Miles pull it out of the circle" he would reach in and grab it and pull it out.




He just had a blast pulling the paper out of the different holes, he would look into the box when it got low and stick his hand through a hole to find it!






With all the paper out of the box it gave us a new extremely fun game to play.







Needless to say we had a fantastic day with this easy to do craft and play. I'm going to try and figure out more fun things to do with our shape box and other ideas I have and can blog about them to share with my fellow little ones couped up at home for the winter!

He is getting so Big!

So some how I became a sucky "blogger" which sucks because I was really enjoying writing and getting all my feelings out on here.

In my glory to rekindle my little blog here is a update! Everything since Little Man turned 1 (he is now 15 months old).

Right around his birthday Miles started pulling himself up but he would only use me or daddy he didn't trust his table or anything like that, in August (13.5months) Brian and I were in the kitchen and I looked over to the baby and he was standing in front of his play table!!!. Both of us had this look like what just happened and how did we miss it! Fortunately a couple minutes later he did it again and we got it on video, so exciting!

Little man has been crawling since just before his birthday but man is he sure motoring around now like crazy. Its just the cutest thing when I leave the room and look back to this smiley little guy chasing me down!

His favorite and really only word right now is Daddy, Dadda, Dad really any forms of Da! The other day Brian got out of the car and went to open Miles door, Miles points at the window and says "Daddy" in just the cutest little voice!.

He may not be talkative but oh my goodness can this little boy sign!. He is just so smart right now if I say a word, sign it and then say/sign it using his hands he will repeat it on his own which is just amazing to see! He has probably close to 20 signs right now. The ones he is best at and does it every time asked are Milk, More, All Done, Food/Drink, Diaper, Thank you, and we are working on Baby he loves it and smiles so big whenever i say/sign baby and he is getting so close! Its so much fun to watch him communicate with us he just gets so proud!.

Right now with all the moving he is burning lots of calories and is going through a phase of not wanting to eat huge quantities of food little man is getting skinny! He is actually down from his 1 year apt and at 15 months is weighing in just about 21 pounds and is still about 28 inches so atm he fits fantastically in size 3 diapers and 9 - 12 months clothes depending on the brand!. One great thing about a preemie is they definitely get a ton of use out of there clothes lol!

Speaking of "preemie" little man is still having to use his reflux meds which is fine he loves them and they help him hehe. Unlike last year we did not qualify for Synagis (RSV) shots, and although we didnt need to do full on quarantine it is recommended we do a modified one as Miles lungs are still under developed and susceptible/ weak to pretty much all illnesses so we need to be careful so he doesn't get too sick. At this point its ok and good for him to get some illnesses to build his immune system but something to big could really hurt him.

All and all he is doing really good he is SUPER happy almost all the time. He is the most calm well behaved baby every time we go out which is awesome and attracts lots of old ladies cause he is just too cute to resist!. He will try just about any kind of food we will giveh im he just wont eat alot of it. He is completely in love with "Blanket" and it comes with us all around the house. And he has a few new friends he has met at play group!

We are so lucky to have our little miracle and are just enjoying all the wonderful moments with him!
Stay tuned we have a visit back to Victoria just mom and Miles which will be interesting!

Miles Birth Story

Its been a crazy few months we were busy planning a trip to Victoria, 2 birthday parties and personally I was trying to learn how to deal with reflecting on Miles birth a year ago.

Its interesting, most moms look back on the day there baby was born and remember emotions like excitement, nervousness, happiness not me, not a preemie mom. When I try and remember the days leading up to and the birth of our son I'm over come with fear, anxiety, sadness...most people cant understand this and say but look at him now he is doing amazing which is true and I'm so very thankful of this you have no idea BUT it doesn't change how I felt that day and how I still feel and am trying to deal with now I'm sad my body failed, I'm sad my baby had to struggle and feel pain, I'm sad he had to live in a isolate I'm MAD that I didn't get to experience a happy birth and take him home right away. But it is what it is and the doctors and machines saved my little mans and my life and I will be forever grateful.

Most people don't know exactly what happened to lead to Miles' birth so here are all the wonderful details for anyone wondering.

On June 25 after work I headed to my now routine No stress test to make sure beans heart was doing well. I got set up and then the dreaded blood pressure test, I had been having high BP and was already on meds to help it I mostly new it was going to be higher then what they like every time. Beep beep beep the machine is going nuts, ugh my BP is higher then healthy so the alarms sound, the nurse gets the doctor and its decided we need to head to L&D to be monitored a bit more. Now this had happened the last 2 Fridays in the row so I called Brian and let him know where to meet me for date night. We got all hooked up in L&D and had my BP taken every 15 minutes which wow its not fun having your arm squeezed like that non stop. After 6 hours, an ultrasound a few doctors it was decided they wanted to have me do a 24 hour urine to see if I was spilling more protein, this is a sign that I'm getting pre-eclampsia. When you spill protein it means your liver and kidney are starting to fail due to the high BP and the ONLY cure to this is delivery. So instead of sending me home the On call Doc said she wanted to admit me for 23 hour observation / collection then we would go from there.

So we are moved at like 9 pm to a gorgeous Labor room it was huge Brian had his own pull out, we had a giant bathroom and a nice view hehe. Then come the blood draws...this was traumatizing I hate needles but I knew it was important so just toughed it out for the baby but now they had such a hard time find veins. I was a literal pin cushion, they have a 2 try rule for nurses, after 2 fails they have to get a nother person to try.....I had 4 try and fail before they called the Blood draw clinic to send someone up. It was horrid but done (I pretty much went through this every 4 hours). I also got shot 1 of the steroids for the babies lungs to develop just in case and they put me on Magnesium sulfate to help bring down my BP as it was worrisome high, (the mag is horrid it feels like your skin is burning). We got settled and went to bed. Just for the record bed rest in the hospital is not rest at all I was woken up every 4 hours day and night for tests, not my ideal of rest.

So Saturday, I got the second steroid shot and we just hung out together figuring once 6ish hit we would be cleared to go, they had upped my BP meds and though my BP was still high it wasn't alarm setting which was a positive. So we hit the 23 hours and the doctor comes in and tells me okay now we will run the urine...this could take a day to get the numbers and we are just going to keep you until we get those back. Okay now we are settled in for night 2 and pretty much just want to go home. We waited all day Sunday and kept asking if they knew anything ....nothing....nothing...5 pm rolls around and we get word of the numbers....its not great. I'm showing all the early signs of Pre-E and they want to keep monitoring me and the baby so they let us know they are going to move us upstairs to a Anti- partum room cause we didn't need such one on one attention. So we wave good bye to our nice room and get upstairs to a tiny room with a couch for Brian no blankets or pillows a view of a darn building...lovely. The nurses didn't even know I was there for 4 hours Brian and I are like please let us go home soon lol.

Monday, in the morning we got to be wheeled down to the Ultrasound room so we could get a growth scan of the bean and make sure everything was ok. It was nice to see our baby and we finally after like 12 ultrasounds got a profile shot! After that we just hung out, bored, my BP was chilling I felt fine we were starting to wonder why we were even here. SO in walks the on call and funny enough it was my old doctor who had told me that I would never conceive without fertility treatments and here I was naturally preggers! Anyways we basically asked if we could just go home on bed rest and just come back if anything changes and he tells us they just don't want to send me home in this limbo state...not full Pre-E but not ok. My BP meds had gone from 400mls a day to over 1600 so there was a reason my BP had somewhat settled but I just didn't want to be there anymore. After some talking Brian and I figured that even tho they wouldn't say it, we were going to be in the hospital for the long haul, which I dealt with cause I knew Bean was going to be taken care of. We decided Brian didn't need ot miss work to sit and watch TV all day with me so he went home and got his stuff together so he could go to work on Tuesday.

Tuesday, (warning this section might be TMI for some) Brian got up for work at 6 and hopped in the shower. I started feeling really crampy so I got up to got to the bathroom I saw a bit of blood but not a lot and got back in bed. A nurse came in and said hey cause your awake lets do your NST now I said she and let her know what was going on, she didn't seem worried. Brian got ready and left, I was still cramping alot and the nurse came in and said "are you feeling those" meaning I was contracting. I told her yes that i had been feeling them since 6 at this point they were coming every 5 minutes. A doctor came in and said she was going to check me and see if anything was happening. They got all set up and as she was about to start the exam I felt a gush I asked "did my water just BREAK???" She says I don't think so but I will run a test to see, ok w/e. So she is doing her thing and omg it hurt so bad to be "checked" I thought she was about to poke her arm through my body. Sorry anyways she said I'm just a bit dilated and she wanted to grab a ultrasound to look at the baby. I'm not contracting every 3 minutes and I remember asking if I could go pee as I REALLY needed to, she said after the ultrasound. So she does the scan and notices over night sometime baby had flipped from being head down to completely Breech...lovely. She finished and I got up to use the restroom and I look back and saw what my gush was...there was blood everywhere I was freaking out and all alone. I called Brian and of course no answer I left a terrifying message and just sobbed. He finally called back and I was in tears as he tells me he is on his way, I remember I was contracting every 2 minutes and telling him I cant talk it hurts it hurts.

Nobody told me what they were going to do or what was going on I figured they were going to just try and stop it. Just as Brian walked in the Nurse came in and told us they were going to move us back down to the Labor room so we could be monitored a bit closer, Brian grabbed our stuff and we were being moved. At this point it was 10AM, we get down stairs and hooked up, more blood draws my BP was alarming like crazy, we are talking its getting to 200/110 (normal would be 120/80). At 11 a doctor came into our room and said you are very sick, the only cure for Pre-E is delivery and because your baby is breech we will be doing a C-section, we ask when she said they would get us in at 12. WHAT??? how is this happening. I was so scared for my baby it was too soon, how would the breathe this cant be happening not to us. Brian called his mom and I begged for him to ask for a camera as we had nothing. I had him call my mom and dad and explain what was going on cause I couldn't get the words out, after he handed me the phone and I just sobbed. They both gave me words of comfort and were both left on the other end of the phone terrified and helpless for their daughter and grandchild.

At 11:30 I was being prepped we said goodbye to Brians mom talked with anesthesiologist, neonatologist, and surgeons. Brian got his scrubs and I was being wheeled away. I got into this cold scary room and sat on a table, I had a wonderful nurse who just hugged me while I got my spinal. I got laid down, screen up, a bunch of people talking to me and I have no idea what was said. Then I hear the doctor "Okay we are ready to start everyone ready, is dad here?" from behind my screen with a soft scared child voice I say "noooo". They went out and got Brian and by the time he got in the room they already had started cutting to get him out. There was so many people in the room a team for my c-section, a NICU team, a team in case I seized from the Pre-E and a crash team. Brian says there was just shoulder to shoulder people around my body, he couldn't see anything. I would guess upwards to 25 people in that little room, maybe more. Anyways I got tugged at and shook I remember feeling so incredibly sleepy and overwhelmed but thinking I cant sleep my baby is coming....he is going to be so sick....he might die... Just then we heard that tiny beautiful sound I will never forget, not a newborn scream but this little bitty billy goat cry....our baby! we hear time of delivery 12:52pm and a nurse says they didn't know the sex "Oh! its a boy!!". Our boy! He is hear and he is alive and crying!

I remember saying to Brian you can go over there, go see him as they clean him up. The next thing I know they rolled by my head said "hey mom" I looked and there was a peek of my little man and boy was he so beautiful and off they went I said to Brian "you stay with him, don't let him be scared, go" They got me cleaned up and I don't remember much of anything. I was put back on the Mag so I wouldn't have a seizure while they waited to see if my BP would come down. Brian brought me a picture the NICU nurses took for me that I just held onto for dear life I was so sad I couldn't keep him in and safe and now he was alone in a strange place without his mommy. I wouldn't get to see him for another day and a half as I wasn't allowed to leave my bed cause of how sick I was.

With that I was alone, no baby in my belly, no baby in my arms, just a picture of my baby, my little boy. Happy Birthday Miles, it may not have been a perfect birth day and its ok to be sad about that, but you are here and you are doing amazing and I'm forever grateful to anyone who got you here.

Mom Moments

Its Mother's Day Yay!!! Im so happy that im a mom to my amazing little man Miles. He makes me so happy everyday, no matter whats going on he can always ALWAYS make me smile.

Other moms out there will understand what I mean when I say mom moments, you know those little moments that truly make you feel like a MOM. Here are a few of my most treasured mom moments...

The very first time I truly felt like a mom was after they deleivered Miles and assesed him, wrapped him up and were leaving the room to get to the NICU the Neo Nurse called out "Mom, look at your beautiful son" she pop his head up from the bed and I got to see his amazing little tiny face in that moment I felt like a mom.



The next time I saw him was over a day later, seeing him again and touching him felt amazing but something was missing it just wasent that true mom feeling I wanted to feel again until day 4 when an amazing Nurse asked "have you got to hold him yet?" I answer no (he had his painful chest tube still in). She then says "it's been long enough" puts her hands under him and all his many tubes and lifts him into my hands (im tearing up just remembering it). While im standing there feeling absolute bliss and loving this beautiful moment she says to me "He has alot of tubes but he also has alot of spots ready for kisses, kiss your baby." This moment made me feel like a mom.



Many moms dream of the first time feeding there baby that wonderful moment skin to skin or cradling there little one. After 8 days of having only TPN/IV my little man got to try some of the Milk I had been desperatly trying to make him. HE LOVED IT and I loved providing for my son, being a mom.



There are so many mom moments I have got to have alerady, craddle holding him finally, giving him his first bottle, getting to take him home, bathing him for the first time, watching him learn and grow from the things we do and say to him.

Some of my other favorites I may not have pictures of but they mean so much to me...when he is up set and crying how if i simply pick him up he just stops, he needed his mom. When I lay him down to sleep how he puts a hand on my face to know mom is there with him. How lately when he is sad or needs help I hear a mmmumm muuummm beautiful words to any moms ears.

I love being a mom and I love that I have so many more of these wonderful moments waiting in the future. Him walking to mom!, standing in the outfeild at his first teeball game yelling "HI MOM!!", waving like a mad man at momma during his first play at school.

Im so excited for this mother's day and every other one to come where I get to look back on all my wonderful mom moments!

My Preemie Family

A lot of my family and friends may be confused by my FB status updates about other preemie babies or preemie topics in general so I thought I would try and shine a little light.

When I found out I was expecting Miles I was searching some stuff online and came across a Community Support board call Babycenter. There are tons of different kinds of groups here but I was just looking for one, Miles birth month board (ladies all going through the same thing at the same time relatively). So I signed up and joined August 2010 Birthclub, for the most part I just read funny posts from hormonal ladies but there was a few great posts of information that was helpful as an expecting first time mom. Then Mr Man came early and all of a sudden I wasn't a hormonal pregnant lady anymore, I could no longer relate to the giant uncomfortable belly or the middle of the night cravings. No I was in my own little worried world, completely alone and so unfamiliar with everything.

I remember the night after he was born I was up at 3 AM getting vitals checked and pumping when I stumbled across Preemie Parenting Group. These ladies without a doubt have been my saving grace through this last 10 months, some ladies had insight from past experiences some were right there going through it with me. Some came along after seeking that same comfort from me. No matter what the question was there was always a response even if it was just a "hug I know its hard" and I appreciate these responses more then anyone could know. I'm now part of the group on FB and the support just continues cause as these ladies know the preemieness doesn't just poof when they start to grow and I just see and experience so much love and support amongst these Ladies. They truly are my online family and some may not be able to grasp that but its ok, I however will be forever thankful for them.

On the Miles front he is recovering slowly but surely, he only needs to take medicine about once a day which is great from constant! But even though he can be uncomfortable from time to time he is still such a happy great little man that I love so very much.

It's Okay

First a bit of back story. When Brian and I were expecting our bean we decided not to find out the sex before he arrived, so we had to be prepared for a little boy or girl. In getting ready I told Brian that I wanted him to make the decision on whether or not we would circumcise our son if we had one, I believed he was in a better position to make such a decision. In the end we weighed all the pros and cons and choose we would Circ him.

Fast forward to our baby's early birthday and hearing "It's a boy!". Now normally this procedure is done in the hospital within days of birth or maybe the first Doctors visit, however as with ALOT of things that we had a change of plans this did as well. They wont Circ in the NICU as they don't want to cause any more distress or pain along with what these babies are already going through. They will also only Circ in office up until the baby is 29 days old, Miles was released at 25 days old but that was a Saturday and tho we saw his Pediatrician on Monday (27days) they couldn't fit us in.

So now we are referred to the Urologist, they will not do anything until he is at least 6 months adjusted so for Miles that means when he is 8 months, this is because they have to use General Anesthetic. So we just had our Pre Op last week and saw the wonderful Nurse Practitioner who gave us the run down on this not so regular Circ.

We will get called tomorrow with a time he is scheduled probably earlyish, he cant have anything but clear liquids for 4 hours prior, when we get there they will get him all checked in and give us a gown for him. When its time for his surgery the Doctor and the Anesthesiologist will come in and talk to us then I have to hand my baby to them (if he has a hard time they will give him anti Anxiety meds), they carry him back to the OR cradling him, put a little mask on him till he falls asleep then set a IV and get to work. Yay for him not feeling the poke!. This will take 1 hour then we meet him in recovery where we are NOT allowed to touch him what so ever until he wakes up and then I can cuddle my little man and feed him. He will have a week of pretty bad pain and then a month of recovery with diaper changes every hour to hour and half, lots of baths and TONS of Vaseline.

So what I have to keep telling myself is, it's okay to be nervous my baby is going "under", it's okay to be scared it's okay to feel bad. People may think oh its just a Circumcision that's nothing but its alot to me its alot to think about, to stress about, to worry about. I KNOW he will be ok, I know it, but its still OKAY to be nervous.

Nap Time!

Is not so much a fun time at least not for me!

So I just spent a good 30 minutes getting Miles down for his first of hopefully 2 naps today. A couple days ago I figured out that if I put Miles on his tummy to nap it will actually last longer then half an hour actually both times so far he has slept about 2 and a half hours!

Whew so he is asleep at least for a little bit, time to relax! Nope not for me! Poor little man is having some separation anxiety and will just cry and cry if I'm not in the room with him. I have got a bit creative with putting him on the Kitchen floor playing while I do dishes or sticking him in the Moby wrap while I fold laundry but unfortunately that only lasts so long as Mr Miles just wants to sit on the floor and play while mommy stays within a arms reach. (Not that I really mind!)

So Nap time = a quick swipe through the living room to pick up the toys sprawled all around, grab the ones I need to wash along with any random dishes around and head for the kitchen. This usually looks like a tornado just recently touched down in there so I through the toys in the sink filled with bottles and run the hot soapy water. Unload the dishes, load the dishes, wash the dishes that can't be loaded. Scrub the bottles while trying not to burn my hands cause I make the water that hot! Grab my Lysol wipes and go to town disinfecting all the counters, light switches and door handles. Take a breather! Grab the mop and scrub the floors, fold some laundry while it dries. Pull dinner out if needed and prepare, put the clothes away. Sit down at the PC and surf FB while I tidy up the desk............Relax..............just in time for Little man to wake up to play with mommy once again!

So while I feel like there aren't enough hours in the day to get these things done I'm SOOOOO grateful that for one I get more then 30 minutes to do this in lately and two that I get to stay home and watch Miles grow and learn and play with me, that's worth all the chores and more!

Thanks Dad for being our bread winner so I get to take care of Miles!

What's done is done.

So I sit here tonight wondering who in the world came up with the saying "No use crying over split milk" for I believe it was a male and if not this person obviously never worked so hard for their milk just to have it spill.

9 Months, my baby is 9 months old today and that marks 9 months I have been pumping for him, which is 274 days. When I started for the first 12 weeks it was 10 times a day for 30 minutes I have been able to drop some here and there and now I'm at a lovely 4 times a day but usually for 1 hour UGH. That's 4 hours everyday I sit like a moo cow hooked up to a machine trying to do my very best to keep up with my little mans needs. After reading that I'm sure you might think there is a little aggravation in it and I'm sure your wondering why I even continue.

When Miles was in the NICU, the first few days there was NOTHING we could do for him I wasn't even able to be at his bed side so he could hear a reassuring voice. Once he was able to start having feeds his Neo told me "Now mom this is the ONE great thing you can do for your son, day and night whether your here or not if you bring him milk he will thrive". That gave me so much will power, I could get up at 2 AM cause that's when you produce the most milk for some awful reason, I could bring him any and everything I made for him so he could have mainly my milk, I could spend so many hours doing this for him. The second day I remember saying to Brian and my sister Chantelle that I was embarrassed to call the nurse to get a syringe for the TINY drops I had finally produced, they urged me to and when the nurse came in she was so proud of me! I had to remember he still wasn't even eating so it would all just stack up.

I kept a couple little logs in my phone when I was up in the middle of the night in the hospital bed while sister and Brian were sleeping and I was trying to make food for my son, here is one I will share:

Sitting in the dark at 4:30 in the morning trying so desperately to get a little milk to flow so that later today when I'm forced to leave my little boys side, at the very least I could leave him with something that will continue to help him get stronger. its such a weird feeling being a "mom" and so far the only thing I have been able to do for my baby is provide him milk and ITS being stubborn. - For the record I was drugged, tired, emotional and only got 1.5 Mils lol that's it.

Going through the NICU and even now I'm very proud of myself for continuing to pump for my son, it's so good for him to have. It may be HARD and I may drop his bedtime bottle off the counter and loose 4 oz of milk in one quick swoop, I might cry a little over this split milk which I allow myself to do but I will pick it right back up tomorrow and the next day and the next because my little man deserves it.

So I have been slacking a bit with Blogging, but poor little Miles is teething BAD and on top of that is going through a bit of separation anxiety. By a bit I mean I literally can't put him down with out a tear being shed, this makes typing hard as I haven't quite mastered the one handed typing.

On the Miles front, yes he is teething once again, as if 6 teeth in the last 2 months isn't enough. He is getting 2 at the same time on either side of his bottom front teeth. Poor little drooling man, he seems to be the happiest when he has his pointer finger just sitting on the tooth, its way cute but makes everyone around him soaking wet!

Do to this not so much fun teething experience poor little man is going through, we are getting very little sleep and the sleep we do get is very broken up. Most nights we aren't going to bed till 11 O'clock and he is up at 2 then 5 then 7 and maybe if I'm lucky he goes back down till 9. Its so great the little things that just seem so wonderfully silly when you are incredibly sleep deprived.....

The other night we were doing our normal bedtime routine....Bath, Bottle in our bed while we read him a story and then when Miles finished his bottle he was fussing a bit so we both cuddled up next to him on either side and after about 5 silent minutes of hoping he had finally fallen asleep I whisper to Brian "He is holding my ear" , Brian responds " He is holding my eyebrow" LOL it was a great moment, silent laughing of course as to not wake little man up!

Wonderful moment

There is just something so wonderfully beautiful about just holding your baby, not because they are hungry, to comfort them or to play but just to hold them and in the moment just loving each other.

I remember the first time I held Miles against my chest, he was 6 days old we were doing Kangaroo Care which is were the baby is just in his diaper and the mom (or dad) bares there chest so you can be skin to skin. For preemies this is such an encouraged care to do for your baby, it helps develop a bond between the parent and baby you miss out on in those first few hours of life, it help moms produce the milk their babies need, but its also shown to help preemies become stronger.........I remember those 20 minutes, not the smell or who was around, not his stats or the amount of tubes he had but I remember the moment, the beautiful feeling we shared together.

Tonight I experienced a moment so similar, something only Miles and I shared with this familiar feeling from the past.

Miles and I were taking a bath (we bathe together yes, he was to small for his bath when he came home so with me it was just easier and now we both love it!) Anyways, he was getting tired and usually that means we need a quick bath to get him out before he fusses but not tonight. Tonight we got in and I was letting him play but he kept reach up to me like he wanted to be held so I laid back a bit and brought him up on my chest and he just laid his little head down and stared his beautiful blue eyes at me. We just looked at each other, I trickled water down his back so he wouldn't get cold and we were just in this beautiful moment together once again for no other reason then we just wanted to be.

The club

On one hand, being a part of the Preemie club and all the wonderful fellow preemie moms I have met is something I appreciate so very much, on the other hand I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Throughout our NICU journey we learned words no parent should ever have to hear or study. For me, one of the worst things was hearing the words your son started retracting so much and working so hard to breathe that he suffered a Pneumothorax, he had to be emergency intubated, put on a Ventilator to breathe, has a spiral chest tube in his left lung and is being treated with Surfactant to make his lungs stronger. Could you imagine getting that ear full on the second day of your brittle baby's life? I just wanted to say huh? Had I not been scared for his life that might have been what came out of my mouth, though the glazed over look might have given away what I was thinking.

During Miles' stay Brian and I learned so many terms, so many procedures, we would have to google some of the things the Neo told us that day regarding our boy just so we could stay caught up. As if the NICU world isnt scarey enough you are literally in the foreign country where you don't speak the language and start grasping for any strings nearby.

Just a short list of things we heard daily.....
Monitoring.....Decel's- watching for A & B's....Bradycardia- the heart beating to slow or irregularly, Apnea - baby has stopped breathing, De stat - lack of oxygen
Procedures done.....PICC Line - a central line for meds and blood leading through the arm up to his heart, Blood Gas - countless sticks in the heel to determine the level of Carbon Dioxide in his blood. Biliruben - testing daily for Jaundice. OG Tube - through mouth to tummy to remove air, NG Tube - through nose to tummy for feeds,
Breathing aids..... CPAP - keeps pressure in the lungs to keep them open. Ventilator - breathes for him, Nasal Cannula- provided extra oxygen
Conditions.....Transient Hypotension - abnormally low blood pressure, Pneumothorax - lung collapsing, RSD - Respiratory Distress Syndrome, Sepsis - bloodstream is overwhelmed by bacteria, Distended Abdomen - swollen stomach,
Medication.....Dopamine - raises blood pressure, Surfactant - acts as a substance the lung needs to stay open as it has not developed yet do to prematurity. TPN -total parenteral nutrition, Fentanyl - pain medication
His Team..... Neonatologist - 2 primary doctors, Primary Nurse - when critical, Charge Nurse, Social Worker, Occupational Therapist, Physical Therapist

If your head is hurting welcome to the club, its a scary world one we are still very much a part of. The other night while putting Miles down for the night he started retracting and showing very laboured breathing, when I told the advice nurse what was going on she said "wow you know your stuff", it just made me think about the world that is now our norm. Miles settled and all was fine he just likes to give us a scare from time to time to keep up on our toes.

What is a Preemie?

A wonderful tiny package that decided to come early? Yes in a sense but the fact that preemie babies are little is a very "tiny" part of being a Preemie.

A baby isn't Full Term until 37 weeks so any baby born before that week is considered Premature. Some of these little miracles have made it being only born at 24 weeks.

But being Premature has so many levels, so many obstacles, so many worries. I don't know when this preemie journey will truly end or if it will exactly.

To understand really what "early" means I will explain Miles in particular. Being Premature for him meant weighing less then 4 lbs, it meant having NO eyebrows or eye lashes. His little ears had no cartilage, he would get rolled over and his ear would be squished in half. His skin was so thin you could see through it in the light. He hadn't got to the stage in gestation yet where he started gaining fat so when laying on his back you could literally see every single bone in his chest. Speaking of chest, even though I got both steroid shots before he came to help mature his lungs he still struggled. Almost all preemies have some sort of issue breathing. Watching my "tiny" miracle breathe was by far the hardest thing in my life to go through and to me it defines the struggles Preemie start with.

Every time he inhaled, his ribs that were like rubber would fold so deep they would touch his back, his little tummy would cave in. His little heart rate would go up and down cause it took everything in him to do something his body just wasn't ready to do. He struggled and succeeded for every breathe he took he taught him self how to do things he wasn't ready to learn. He accomplished these huge hurdles because that is what being a Preemie is, its doing the things you shouldn't be able to do.

Here we go!

So I decided finally after thinking about doing this for a long while that I actually would! I want to write about my family about the things we have gone through and the things we will eventually go through together. I want to have a place where I can go back and read about our life and never loose it. So here I go, im going to write!

The first few posts will be a bit of back story and entris from the journal I made while I was pregnant.